Mötley Crüe Classic Vibrator

I love it when I stumble across the creations of humanity that make me think ‘wtf?!’. There should be a word to describe this experience. If there is a word, it is probably in German and is very long.

On one such occasion, while innocently trawling the internet for wand vibrators, I discovered that the Motörhead Orgasmatron War Pig Wand Vibrator was a thing. Not only was it a thing – it is a thing people willingly put on their genitals. I had to tell someone! When I sent the link to a friend saying ‘haha motorhead, what name for a vibrator – and what the fuck is up with the whole pig thing?!’, she was astounded – nay dismayed – that I had no idea that Motörhead were a very famous rock band, nor that their ‘war-pig’ logo is iconic. Evidently people would want to put this to their genitals because ‘Omg Lemmy!’. Obviously I don’t know who Lemmy is either, but I gather from that reaction that he he makes the groupie juices flowith.

So I thought I could be cool. I could get a sexy lemmy groupie vibrator! As the Orgasmatron War Pig Wand kinda freaked me out (and lez be honest appears to be a re-branded bodywand) I thought I’d try something different. The Mötley Crüe Girls Girls Girls 7 Function Vibrator was on special, and it looked pretty damn cool, so I thought I’d give it a shot.

What I didn’t realise is that Mötley Crüe is actually a completely different band from Motörhead. Thus proving myself to be even more of a dork, and evidently unable to distinguish between words with umlauts.

What is more amazing, is that this means not one but two old school rock/metal bands now sell vibrators?! What I thought was a novelty is now, dare I say it, a trend? What is this trend?! Who started it?! Why?! How I wish I was a fly on the wall in that product development meeting. A bit of googling it indicates they are product lines by Lovehoney. So it appears to be a branding exercise rather than the launch of a new sex toy company run by retired rock stars. This is a bit of a disappointment, because if the ‘washed out rock stars turn sex toy entrepreneurs’ story had been made into an ‘inspired by real events’ straight-to-netflix movie I would have been ALL OVER THAT!

Review

The first vibrator I had as a teenage was a cheap ‘classic vibrator’ with a similar shape and size. The vibration was so buzzy I didn’t orgasm at all. I just assumed it was me and maybe vibrators ‘weren’t my thing’ and chucked it out. Once I re-discovered vibrators 10 years later that actually worked for me I cursed all I had missed out on! So I shunned these classic type vibrators and thought ‘never again’.

Motely crue classic vibrator
This wild child is ready for action

To be perfectly honest I mainly got the Mötley Crüe because it looked cool. None of the infantile pink and purple (OK maybe some pink, but the kind of pink that makes me feel like a slutty chick in the 80’s wearing ripped fishnets with a fabulous perm). Just smooth and sexy. So much so that I wanted to have sex with it. Besides, surely classic vibrators are ‘classic’ for a reason right? Maybe I had missed something the first time around?

I had missed something the first time round: vibrations strong enough to actually get you off. And the ‘Girls Girls Girls’ showed me the ‘Light light light’!

This thing is STRONG for a battery powered vibe. The plastic exterior transmits vibrations well, but I think the motor is genuinely strong for a vibe in this price range (£29.99/ ~$60NZD and often on sale). The vibrations are impressively ‘rumbly’ for the size of the toy and battery power – great vagineering!

The lowest setting is enough to get me to orgasm in a couple of minutes. The extra setting are great for going up a notch or two when I’m feeling greedy.

I like to use the side of the pointed tip around my clit on the lowest setting. It gives me a pretty nice orgasm pretty quick without numbing me out. As the vibe is quite long I’ve found it easy to hold and use while using a dildo simultaneously. Despite having a couple of luxury vibes I still have the Motley Crew in my top drawer as a ‘go to’ vibe. It’s just so easy to use and satisfying. It is holding its own against vibes that cost twice the price – which is great news when it comes to finding budget conscious toys I’d actually recommend.

I don’t use the patterns much as I need constant vibration when I am having an orgasm. I love patterns to get me to the point of orgasm (they tend to be more effective than straight vibrations). However, with this vibe there is only one button, so you have to cycle through the patterns to get back to a plain vibration – a difficult feat when you are on the edge of orgasm! So with this vibe I tend to stick to the plain vibration settings. Note: the vibe does remember the last pattern it was on when you turn it off and on again.

Pro tip: If you want to save the battery or take it on holiday without it accidentally going off – just unscrew the end (make sure you don’t lose it of course!)

Motely crue classic vibrator batteries
The Motely takes 3 x AAA batteries. I take the Motely in my vagina.

This vibe is just as attractive in person – nicely constructed with no seams or bumps. Although it is plastic it feels solid and spotless. Most importantly the ABS plastic is non-toxic and non-porous which makes it a safe to use in and around your precious vjayjay, The button is nice to push and easy to find when fumbling around and/or lube coated. I’m not used to battery powered toys being built so nicely. It is also a breeze to clean the hard shiny surface of any residue.

It is a little noisy but I think this is a fact of life: vibes that use replaceable batteries tend to louder than their rechargeable counterparts (maybe because the batteries can move around? or cheaper construction?). For the strength of the vibration and the price I would say the volume is reasonable. Heck – if you could make the same product with less volume it’d be entering ‘luxury toy’ ball park.

If you are sensitive to vibrations in your hands this vibe might not be for you. Although the motor is in the tip a significant amount of vibration makes it to the other end. (As the body is fairly solid hard plastic). This doesn’t particularly bother me – especially since I cum so quickly! However, it might be worth considering for those who are more sensitive.

The Mötley Crüe 7 function classic vibrator actually comes in four designs! In case the neon pink girls, girls girls isn’t your thing you can also get the Dr Feelgood, shout at the devil or classic skull. They are all a bit bogan to be honest – but bogans deserve to get off too! Actually…is bogan erotica a thing? yep, evidently a thing. Might I suggest there is an amazing brand placement opportunity being squandered here?

Overall this vibe delivers – especially given its reasonable price tag. I take back what I said about ‘classic’ vibes. While I’m sure there are still plenty of  cheap tacky sub par ‘beginners’ classic vibes out there (i.e. for those who don’t know any better), the Mötley Crüe has shown me it can be done right. Not just right, but also stylishly. This is a vibe I have no shame leaving lying around.

Where to find it

The Mötley Crüe range is available at Lovehoney.

For kiwis who want to buy local the Mötley Crüe range is also available at ATMS

Quick Specs: Motely Crue Classic Vibrator

Length7.24 inches (6 inch insertable)
Circumference4 inches
MaterialABS plastic
WaterproofSubmersible
Power source3 x AAA
ControllerOne push button
Constant speeds3
Patternstwo short bursts followed by one long burst
short bursts
alternating strong bursts and weaker bursts
escalating from low to high
remembers last setting used when turned off and on again?yes